Are you dating wrong?

5 Questions to Ask Yourself for Dating Well

The most common topics people come to coaching for are dating and job searching. Interestingly enough, problems with either of these are often rooted in the same thing: self-awareness. Dating is hard enough as it is, but focusing too much externally on what you are looking for without looking internally can make the process even more frustrating and lead to bad results. Clarifying your core values, your true desires and needs, and identifying places of personal growth can streamline the process and make it a more peaceful experience.

Here are five crucial questions to ask yourself before getting into the dating pool to date well.

1. What things are most important to me?
First and foremost, you need to identify what truly matters to you—these are your core values. What is at the heart of who you are? What are your non-negotiables in a partner? Take time to reflect on what you want in life and what you think is the most important. Write down the qualities and virtues you desire in a partner, and make sure these align with your deeply held beliefs and priorities. Avoid any qualities that are superficial like looks and height, or income and type of car they drive; focus instead on who they are as a person. “Plays guitar” is not a personality trait either. Narrowing down the core type of person you’re looking for is so important to find the right person for a long-term relationship.

2. How am I presenting myself?
Does your dating profile focus too much on your love for tacos? Do your first date conversations stay surface-level, only finding out if you like the same music? If you use the wrong bait you're going to catch the wrong fish, and a mutual love for tacos and music is not a good foundation for a marriage. Make sure you focus on your core values and the things that are most important to you in life to increase your chances of finding the right partner (and to speed up the process!). If you only focus on shallow hobbies and physical appearance, you may get more dates but most of them will be dead-ends and lead to dating burn-out. So lead with your values rather than your hobbies, and focus on quality of dates rather than quantity.

3. What do I have to offer?
You are a gift created by God and you have so much to give! Reflect on what you bring to a potential relationship and how you are a gift. What are your strengths, talents, and virtues? Are you a good listener, compassionate, supportive, funny? Recognizing your value will boost your confidence and help you understand what you can give to a relationship. Remember that it goes both ways: you're not just trying to find the right person, but your date is also evaluating you. Just like a job interview, knowing what you have to offer a potential partner is a huge strength!

4. Where do I need to grow?
If the last question left you feeling down on yourself, there might be some places of growth for you to work on. Whether it’s confidence, emotional maturity, communication skills, or deepening your faith, identifying and working on these areas is key. Personal growth not only makes you a better potential partner but also increases your peace and well-being in the single life. It's not just about dating well but becoming who God made you to be, the best version of yourself. Consider investing in your healing and personal growth through mental health counseling or a coaching program.

5. How can I love the person in front of me?
Most importantly, make sure you are looking to love the person in front of you on every single date (and everywhere else in life!) This means being present, attentive, compassionate, and genuinely interested in who they are. It’s easy to get caught up in evaluating whether someone meets your criteria and might be your future spouse, but this puts too much pressure on a date. Try to relax, leave the deep evaluation for later, and enjoy getting to know the other person. Just as you are a gift to them, they are a gift to you; even if you only spend a one-hour coffee date together, try to see it as a gift from God to get to know another piece of his creation.

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Dating well starts by looking inward: both working on yourself and recognizing your value. By focusing on what’s important and loving the person in front of you, you can transform your dating experience and get to the end goal of finding a partner much more smoothly. Two mature people who know themselves well, are satisfied and confident on their own, will make the most successful relationships.